Skull Kid, Brand, and I Take Over Hyrule
by rct
Summary: Just don't ask. We take over Hyrule. And you don't actually need to know who Brand is to read it, really. *redone*


Hello, how are you? I don't really care. Sooo....  
  
Really, you don't have to know who Brand is. But if you want to, he's a character from the Book of Amber Series. He's my favorite because he's a bit erm psycho. I CAN'T KILL YOU BECAUSE I MIGHT GET BLOOD ON MY RUG!   
  
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Skullkid, Brand, and I Take Over Hyrule  
One day, we pyromaniacs, Brand, Skullkid, and I, were in our secret pyromaniac hideout in the hole at the top of Zora's River.  
  
We had a club, called the PYROMANIACS-WHO-WANT-TO-TAKE-OVER-THE-WORLD Club. It was only for people who were bad guys of at least one video game and/or book who wanted to take over the world, but I got to be in it even though I don't have a video game or book, because I started it. ^^  
  
Skullkid *quite randomly*: I think we should take over Hyrule!  
  
Brand: I agree!   
  
Me: Yeah!   
  
Skullkid: So how will we do it?  
  
Brand: I will start preparing a plan of action immedeately.  
  
Me: I think we should just attack right now.  
  
Skullkid: I know! We can attack right now, and if that dosen't work, Brand can make a plan!  
  
Me: Yeah!  
  
Brand: Very well.  
  
But before we left, we added something to our list on the wall:  
  
WORLDS THE PYROMANIACS-WHO-WANT-TO-TAKE-OVER-THE-WORLD CLUB HAS TRIED TO CONQUER:  
  
Amber (didn't work)  
  
Earth (didn't work)  
  
Courts of Chaos (didn't work)  
  
Termina (didn't work)  
  
The Moon (didn't work)  
  
Discworld (didn't work)  
  
The Milky Way (didn't work)  
  
Courts of Chaos (didn't work)  
  
The Six Duchies (didn't work)  
  
Middle Earth (didn't work)  
  
Hyrule  
  
And then we departed for Hyrule Castle.  
  
Me: Brand, can't we borrow your horse?  
  
Brand: AHAHAHAHA no.  
  
Skullkid: Well, beep.  
  
Me: Let's stop at the Ranch, ok?  
  
Skullkid: Good idea!  
  
Brand: Um... no.  
  
Me: Too bad!  
  
So we went to Lon Lon Ranch.  
  
Me: Malon, can Skullkid and I borrow some horses?  
  
Malon: What for?  
  
Skullkid: We're going to take over Hyr-  
  
Me: *smacks him*  
  
Malon: O.o Um. Right. Well, you can borrow them, but it will cost you.  
  
Me: Um... Brand? Did you bring any rupees?  
  
Brand: Um... no. Skullkid?  
  
Skullkid: Be right back!  
  
Skullkid ran off, so Brand and I waited around for a while, twiddling our thumbs and whistling, while Malon gave us funny looks.  
  
Skullkid, coming back with a big bag with a picture of a rupee on it: Here ya go, Malon!  
  
Malon: O.O Riiiiight. Here're your horses. Bye.  
  
Then we left.  
  
Me, as we were riding along: Skullkid, where did you get the money?  
  
Skullkid: I stole a few tricks from Link and smashed all their jars.  
  
Me: Good job, then.  
  
Skullkid: I want to name my horse!  
  
Me: Me too!  
  
Brand: *sigh* So name them, you... you... doofuses.  
  
Skullkid: I'm naming mine Majora!  
  
Me: I'm naming mine Jeade'en!  
  
Brand: You two are pathetic.  
  
Me: Oh yeah? Well, what's YOUR horse's name?  
  
Brand: Um... Clarinet.  
  
Skullkid: Hahahahahaa! Hahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Ehehehehehe!  
  
Me: Ditto! Don't call us doofuses if you've named your horse after a woodwind instrument.  
  
Brand: Yonder castle draws nigh.  
  
Skullkid: That's really annoying.  
  
Me: Yes, it is.  
  
Brand: Okay! I MEAN, the castle is right there!  
  
Me: Oh.  
  
Skullkid: Hey, what are we going to attack them with?  
  
Brand: Well, I'VE got Werewindle, my loyal blade!  
  
Me: How can a blade be unloyal?  
  
Skullkid: Can they, like, cheat on you with another swordsman?  
  
Skullkid and I: *snicker, snicker*  
  
Brand: *glares*  
  
Me: Well, I guess we need some swords or something.  
  
Skullkid: I heard that in Hyrule Castle Town, they've got three new shops, called "Guns n' Ammo," "Cutting Edge," and "Beanie Babies Galore."  
  
Me and Brand, as we ponder this: Hmm...  
  
Me: Well, I could do with, you know, one of those cool Ninja swords with the curved blades that go "swish" like in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon!  
  
Skullkid: Well, I want an Uzi. Or maybe a machine gun.  
  
Me: Ok! Let's go!  
  
So we dismounted, and went into Hyrule Castle Town.  
  
Skullkid: Let's go in "Guns n' Ammo."  
  
Me: Okay, but then we have to go to Cutting Edge.  
  
(Did you know that Cutting Edge is a real store? They sell knives and swords and stuff.)  
  
Skullkid: Okay!  
  
So we went into Guns n' Ammo.  
  
Skullkid: I'd like an Uzi, pleeease.  
  
Shop Keeper: Okay. *tosses over an Uzi*  
  
Then we ran out really fast, forgetting to pay, of course. You can't concentrate on things like morals if you want to conquer the universe.  
  
Then we went to Cutting Edge, I asked for a Ninja sabre, and the same thing happened again.  
  
Finally, Brand, Skullkid, and I were ready to conquer Hyrule.  
  
So we went to the gate that led to the castle. Unfortunately, it was locked.  
  
Guard: Hey, I'm bored. Give me some money and I'll open the gate.  
  
Me: Ok! Um... Skullkid?  
  
Skullkid: Here ya go, Mr. Guard sir!  
  
Guard: Why thank you young man! *opens gate*  
  
Skullkid, as we went through: They always fall for the sir.  
  
So that's how we got past the first guard.  
  
The next would not be so easy.  
  
Well, maybe they would.  
  
So Skullkid, Brand, and I snuck past all the rest of the guards, climbed up the wall, and jumped in the moat. Then we swam down the moat, and climbed up. Now, of course, their were no convenient boxes for we plucky villains to jump off, so we merely used jumping skills which certain green-clad heroes do not posess.  
  
Then we found some more guards, but we told them we were reporters to interview the princess about her amazing fashion sense, and they bought it.  
  
Finally, we got to the much-rescued Princess Zelda, who was ruler of Hyrule because she murthered her da. In this story at least. Probably not anywhere else.  
  
Princess Zelda: Are you the reporters who wanted to interview me on my amazing fashion sense?  
  
Skullkid: Why yes, we are. We have a few questions for you. First, do you mind if we take over Hyrule?  
  
Zelda: What?  
  
Me: Attack!  
  
So Brand, Skullkid, and I attacked Zelda, and when we finally got her at sword/gun-point (which took about .001 seconds), we threatened to cut off her precious blonde hair.  
  
Zelda: I abdicate! Just don't cut off my bea-utiful silky flaxen blonde hair!  
  
Me: ^^ How simply delightful!  
  
Brand: You will simply have to announce this to all your subjects!  
  
Zelda: *sniff* Then will you let me go so I can be a supermodel in Termina?  
  
Me: Why certainly, Zelda.  
  
So here ends the chronicle of Brand's, Skullkid's, and my defeat of Princess Zelda and the land of Hyrule.  
  
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Okay, not good, but fun. Review, me amigos! 


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